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Gearheart Challenge: Fly Me to the Goon

by on Apr.06, 2009, under News

And now for this week’s challenge:

Everybody knows what being a villain is all about: the henchmen. Whether they’re faceless goons in jumpsuits running around your volcanic hideaway, or guys that are actually competent, everybody loves the goons. So what kind of goon or goons would you want? An army of clockwork minions? A cadre of ninja minions? A pile of… filet mignons?

When you get an answer, encode it into the DNA of a space-bound spider monkey and send it skittering over to the comments section of this post! I’ll read my favorites on the air next week.

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6 Comments for this entry

  • Johnnie A

    Actually, I would just want minions that can shoot straight and who are trained well-enough so that they don’t get wiped out by an army of furry, dimunitive Luddites. Other than that they should have a sense of humour so that they can laugh off whatever unreasonable punishments I dish out for the minor infractions of their comrades. Off course when I hold the world ransom for seventy billion dollars about 40% of that will translate into generous severance pay for my men because I don’t want such a well-trained army of mercenaries to come after me when I don’t hold to my promises of a fraction of the Doomsday Threat gross, and that comes after dismantling whatever underground installation I created to house them and my scheme. The minion, no matter how low his rank is, ultimately controls the means of ransom distribution, but don’t tell them that.


    I was INSPIRED by the crew that the Merovingian kept around. My ideal minions would be a pack of werewolf skateboarders that can cruise as intangibles a la’ appropriated smoke signal sorcery adapted to their graffiti aerosols! I generally find thematic minions to be the most desirable. These hi-top wearing wolfen would adhere to the pattern set in stone by the campy Batman series complimenting my own larger than life villain styles. And no they don’t get no loot! They’re on retainer to me like the ghost dogs that they are! That’s a reference…look it up yoooo!

  • Morning Toast

    An army of kung-fu Indians, I mean, Native Americans, would be pretty sweet. Not only would they look menacing, but they would be brutal in attack. You just can’t beat a tomahawk and a roundhouse to the side of the head. And instead of doing a rain dance, they’d just meditate. They’d also have to have a bandoleer of keys that jingled. Victims would hear the jingle but not be able to see them…that is until it was too late! So the last sounds they’d hear would be the distant jingle of keys followed by the loudest, scariest war cry you’ve ever heard. And naturally, they would collect the scalps and feed them to the giant black pumas they use to travel.

    So yeah, kung-fu Indians would pretty much rock.

  • Rich

    I think an army of little Chucky dolls has the right blend of stealth, durability and brutality to achieve my fiendish plans. My hideout would be in a poorly-lit factory/warehouse for the “X-Tra Sharp Kitchen Gadgets N’ Office Supplies” stores. Come and get me, do-gooders!

  • Odin1eye

    The trouble with really good minions would be that the more competent they are, the more you would have to worry about a mutiny.

    That aside, I would want a cadre of Maori warriors chanting their haka with their livid tatoos shining upon there blood and sweat soaked cheeks. Neither powers nor armor needed. They would go either weaponless or armed with sharai (sorry, can’t verify the spelling at the moment) acquired from the priestesses of Nadinath on the last voyage across the rift.

    Minions to chill the blood indeed.

  • Nycteris

    Yes I know this challenge is long over, but:
    I guess I lean toward elemental servants – you could just banish them for any offense, without severance pay, guilt, etc. and summon more later. Sure they probably aren’t smart, and require some kind of energy upkeep, but, you can’t make taking over the world too easy, can you?

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